Lag

It's 2:37 a.m. and I'm not at work
Not doin' a thing for school
Who I am and what I do in real life cease to matter
In this virtual world so cool
They call it a "massively multiplayer game"
I play it half of each day, as a rule
I forget to eat or sleep 'cause my body seems
As far away as Ultima Thule
I hang out with my clan, the Dark Masters of Zero
Or just "DMZ," as it's said
When we shout at each other and watch the words
Appear in bright flowing text by our heads
Then we get into battle and disaster strikes
First Alaric's pants fill with lead
Then Jerky Johnson sems to teleport right off a cliff
Then I'm paralyzed and I'm dead
I complain and complain but they say it can't be
The servers are handling the capacity
I should get better service 'cause this sure ain't free
But nobody listens to me
When I say I go-ot la-a-ag
Kills me every time
That sa-a-ag
Is just a mortal crime
Gonna ba-a-ag
This game 'cause I'm
Stuck like a panickin' mannequin here
With this la-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ag.

It¹s 3:27 a.m. before I can get
Successfully logged back in
The rest of the clan tried to save my stuff
Krog's got my helm strapped to his chin
Dorinda's a sight in my black and green robes
She looks like her own evil twin
But someone still pilfered my bag of holding
Where my ton of reagents had been
As we make our way back to our stronghold
I say my plan to learn mage skills is shot
Dorinda's doing her best to cheer me up
When once again everything goes to pot
Landroval freezes and Krog disappears
Jerky Johnson phases right into a lich lord's back lot
My modem goes molasses and the next thing I know
My remaining possessions are not
Despite my threats and tantrums they still can't see
They swear my account should be super-trouble-free
Just which of us is out of touch with reality?
They don't believe this is happening to me
But I know I go-ot la-a-ag
Then it's time to die
To my swa-a-ag
Gotta say goodbye
Gonna ba-a-ag
This game 'cause I
Drown like a wallowin' swallow in here
With this la-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ag.

At 4:17 I struggle back online
So angry I barely can speak
My character's naked as the day he was born
He¹s lost all his XPs for the week
Landroval's trashed and Dorinda's laid up
The lich left Jerky Johnson a semi-undead freak
So I ask if it's the distance to the servers
That's making me a loserly geek
Alaric says he's connecting from Israel
Dorinda's in Fiji on business today
Jerky Johnson's calling in from the moon colony
A quarter-million miles away
I try to type in, "I'm way closer than that,"
But I type in some command by mistake
And then some flashing error messages pop up on screen
And my entire account gets puréed
Must be the fault of my ISP
Or maybe it's a problem with the phone company
'Cause it couldn't possibly ever possibly be
Just me-e-e-e-e
No, no, I go-ot la-a-ag
More than I can abide
Can't bra-a-ag
When I'm completely fried
Gonna ba-a-ag
This game 'cause I'd
[slowing and losing pitch, as if a recording is losing speed] Rather not
flounder and founder in here
[back to normal] With this la-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ag.
[dipping pitch downwards and back up, as if pitchbending] Yeah!

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