The Death of the Perpetrator

Once upon a time, a lady named Lou Gaspachian, who made twelve billion dollars on a social media site 
That let people complain about how awful social media were, decided to invest in spaceflight 
Well, not exactly, 'cause she suffered from altitude sickness, and she had friends who worked in oil and gas 
Who told her, "We need some dough to develop a system that will shoot people through really fast! 

"Now, don't get us wrong, this is not military; it's for passenger service underground, 
"Water-breathing ballistics at a thousand thousand atmospheres and fourteen times the speed of sound!" 
So she put up the money and they built a demonstration project in the Ogallala Aquifer 
With not the slightest chance of "accidents" (for the definition of that term that they preferred). 

The maiden voyage packed a pair of butterfly-like insects to symbolize the reuse of the tech 
There was also a minor celebrity who'd shown his angst in a Stephanie Meyer flick 
And a famous woodwind from a patriotic painting, just because "well, why the heck not?" 
And a student-journalist-cum-environmental-terrorist who was in on a very stupid plot 

He was with the Campaign to End Subsurface Exploitation (which spelled out "CESE" except that they forgot the "A") 
It was his job to shame the people needing shaming in some embarrassing and high-profile way 
So he tossed a load of paint at a gaggle of executives and hit the aiming system instead 
Which would not have been a problem if one of the bridge crew hadn't been a total waste of a pothead 

You see, there were three tons of high-grade marijuana where the backup aiming system should have been 
And the capsule misfired and dredged out a small atoll before it crumpled like a battered piece of tin 
Now the survivors are marooned underground in the Midwest on a muddy rubble pile 
With a gilly gun, and skippers two, and a million airs, and a fife, and a moody star, a protester, and mary jane 
There on gilly gun's isle! 

And thus came to an epic fail a frack toured ferry tale. 

THE END 

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