Grabthar's Silver Hammer

Steve Macdonald

After seeing 'Galaxy Quest', Steve had many ideas for jokes. Bill Roper helpfully pointed out that 'Grabthar' and 'Maxwell' have the same number of syllables. So, blame Roper.

Grabthar's Silver Hammer

Lyrics Copyright ©2000 Steve Macdonald- All Rights Reserved
Can be sung ttto "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" by The Beatles
Lyrics posted by permission of the author.

Tawny Madison
Working cons and having fun
An icon by day
Living separate lives for the fen to pay
Commander Taggert's eyes
Lighted when he saw her thighs
Watches as she moves
"Can I take you out to the mists on the moooon?"
She says "That worked when I was a girl
I left her far behind...."

Chorus
Bang bang Grabthar's silver hammer came down, upon his head
Clang clang Grabthar's silver hammer made sure she was avenged

On the ship again
Commander plays the fool again
Sarris gets annoyed
Wishing to purloin Omega Thirtee- ee-ee -een
Missiles targeted
Laredo fires the turbo jet
The ship leaps away
Engines burst, mines hit, Laaredo screams (like a girl...)
Lazarus shouts "Gaah! You broke the ship!"
Then Chen quips from the screen:
"We found a planet with Beryllium Spheres of sufficient density. They
tell me we can reconfigure the solar matrix in parallel for endothermic
propulsion. We'll do that? Cool. Ok, guys, group hug...."

Chorus

Thermian Mathazar
Though he'd never seen a car
Built this space vessel
Inventing non-existent technologee ee ee ees
He wants Pete to stay
Show them all a brighter way
From Protector's con
Lovingly built from plans seen on TVee ee ee ee
He had this aging actor engaged
Until the time of truth:

"Hey, Mathazar? Where's the bathroom?"

Chorus

(some random mix of the following is spoken, the performer is free to ad lib as they see fit...)

• Hey, where's my limo?
  
• Ohh, that's not riiight...
  
• I avoided capture by using your Mak'Tar stealth haze!
  
• A molecular explosion that would create a chain reaction that would obliterate all matter in the universe!
  
• It doesn't take a great actor to recognize a bad one.
  
• I've only got one job on this ship! It's a stupid job, but I'm going to do it!
  
• Whoever wrote this episode should die!
  
• The Protector got super-accelerated coming out of the black hole at mark 15 which is pretty unstable (obviously). We're gonna help Laredo guide in on vox frequency carrier and use the roman candles for visual confirmation..

Chorus

(spoken)
Never give up, Never surrender!