When I Was A Boy (The Dirty Version)

Michael Longcor

"This song was written as a parody of Frank Hayes' classic IT spoof, When I Was a Boy.

The full story is that In January of 2000, I asked Teri Lee, Frank Hayes's wife, to get permission from him to perform his song, "When I Was A Boy." When Teri asked him, he replied, "Yeah, tell him he can do it, but only if he does the dirty version."

"IS there a dirty version?" she asked.

"No." Frank said, and smiled.

When told the story and the conditions, my response was, "There WILL be a dirty version by February." And there was." - Michael Longcor

When I Was A Boy (The Dirty Version)

Copyright ©2000 Michael Longcor (with criticism by Frank Hayes)
All Rights Reserved - Used by Permission

When I was a boy, my whole love life was spent in the outhouse, alone
With girls' lingerie ads to look at, and corncobs to muffle my moans
But it still beat those old aphrodisiacs that we used to help out Cupid's calls
Back when Spanish Fly all came from Spaniards, and Viagra was where they had falls

And we humped twenty miles to the cathouse
Bareback and upthrust both ways
With woodies in summer and winter, back in the good old days
Back when foreplay was not even threeplay, and Internet port, just a toy
And we all got our nookie by gaslight
When I was a boy

When I was a boy, all our hookers were for hauling in fish from the sea
Our condoms were all sheep intestines, and our vibrators wound with a key
And all of the really hot porno was carved out on tablets of stone
Our cocks always woke us up crowing, and our boners were made of real bone

And we humped twenty miles to the cathouse
Bareback and upthrust both ways
With woodies in summer and winter, back in the good old days
Back when foreplay was not even twoplay. The inflatable doll? Just a toy!
And we all got our nookie by gaslight
When I was a boy

When I was a boy all the sadists were the guys who hung out with deSade
And the Sodomites all lived in Sodom, until they got french-fried by God
And the mile-high club all lived in Denver, and gays were all guys filled with glee
And bras were all made out of rawhide (Talk about your chew toys, heh, heh, heh)
and G-strings were all strummed in G

And we humped twenty miles to the cathouse
Bareback and upthrust both ways
With woodies in summer and winter (and we were happy to have 'em, let me tell you)
back in the good old days
Back when foreplay was not even oneplay. And the dildo? Hah! Only a toy! (Still is)
And we all got our nookie in pre-menstrual darkness
When I was a boy