Crispy Danish

Andrew Ross

Crispy Danish

Lyrics © by Andrew Ross- All Rights Reserved
May be sung to "Sheep Marketing Ploy" by Tom Smith
Used by Permission

Once, in a land far away, on a cold winter’s day...Long ago, many years.
There lay the king fast asleep, when his brother did creep
With a vial of hebona, and poisoned his ears....

(In Denmark, no one can hear you scream!)

Down in Denmark, the land of wrath, Claudius was a psychopath
He decided the play was the thing, so he playfully murdered the king!
Before the body’d begun to cool, he married the queen and prepared to rule
Little knowing the king’s boy had been seven years at the Wittenberg Buttkicking school!
Now it’s HAMLET, the Danish Avenger...HAMLET, the king of Kung-Fu!
HAMLET, born to kill not just injure...HAMLET...the film from John Woo!

(To be, or not to be; are ya feeling lucky?!)

The movie is based on a play historic, as Hamlet sends thousands to join Poor Yorick
Ophelia comes back from her nunnery, with degrees in explosives and gunnery!
She dies in a fiery crash...Elsinore Castle gets burned to ash
But if something is rotten in Denmark, then baby, it’s Hamlet who’ll take out the trash!
Yes it’s HAMLET, he’s a one man battalion....HAMLET, he’s a demon, it’s true!
HAMLET, twice as wild as a stallion...HAMLET...the film from John Woo!

(Rosencrantz...don’t make me angry...you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry)

He knows judo, kung-fu and karate, he’s a terror from Warsaw to Paris
When Polonius tries to get snotty, he gets 41 shots through the arras!
He slices the soldier Marcellus, from his guggle clear down to his zatch
And oh the effects that they sell us, in the climactic fencing match....

(Hello....my name is Laertes...You killed my father...Prepare to die)

The fencing match has just begun, when Laertes cheats and pulls out a gun
Hamlet dodges behind a screen, where Horatio throws him an M-16
He leaps in the air, does a double split, and deals Laertes a palpable hit,
Who flies through the window in a sea of shards, while Hamlet takes out--Fortinbras’ guards!

[Song now changes to the tune of, “There is Nothing Like a Dame”, by Rogers & Hammerstein]

(There is nothing like a Dane, nothing in the world....
...No one else can deal out pain, quite as thoroughly as a Dane!)

[Back to Tom Smith...]

But then Claudius jumps on a Harley and goes vaulting right over the throne
And the bloodletting gets pretty gnarly as he splits Hamlet’s head to the bone
But then Gertrude turns livid with malice, for Hamlet was her pride and joy
And she blows up the entire palace, ends her own life avenging her boy...

(Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt, no wait I didn’t mean it-AAAAGGGHH!!!)

And after it’s over, the cannons do thunder.
The Norsemen take over, the Danes six feet under
But don’t think their dying will end this imbroglio—
Watch for HAMLET II, the Second Folio!!

Starring HAMLET—and no children admitted! HAMLET—to a playhouse near you!
HAMLET—with disaster he’s flitted
Father and son wearing suits of leather
Are back from the grave, now they fight together!
They’ve broken their tether in HAMLET PART 2, from John Woo!

(This holiday season: [insert macho action film star] IS [insert improbable Christmas character, e.g. “Will Smith IS  the little Drummer Boy—no gifts for you, a-rat-tat-tat-tat!”])